The Art of Conversation

Jennie Willing, in The Potential Woman, tells her readers: “A woman ought to talk, as a real lady always dresses, simply, neatly, and with refined taste; her tones should be quiet, even, sure and steady.” In case you couldn’t tell, this sage advice is a wee dated. It harkens from the 1880’s, in fact, and represents the kind of anxiety that churned around what constituted proper conversation in the nineteenth century.

I’m feeling a bit of that anxiety lately. For the last week and half I’ve made it a point to go into my office for several hours every day with my office door open. Sure enough, this has led to many introductions and conversations ranging from 5 minutes to 20 or more minutes. At the end of every one of these exchanges I spend at least the next 30 minutes analyzing what kind of impression I must have left, going through several Homer Simpson “Doh!” motions over things I should have (or should not have) said.

It’s exhausting.

Everyone I’ve met so far has been extraordinarily nice, so I can’t imagine what this “meet and greet” process would be like in a place where people were snooty or grouchy. I don’t for a minute think that my panic attacks after each conversation is unique to me, I imagine its something most new faculty go through. Here is a glimpse of what goes through my mind when I’m in the middle of one of these casual drop-in-to-say-hello-to-the-new-professor conversations:

Should I stand up and go to the door or invite him to sit down? Don’t forget to have a firm grip when you shake hands. Boy am I glad I don’t have to courtesy any more, imagine doing that in this skirt! I can’t believe Kassie talked to me into finally wearing skirts. Focus, Kristen, focus. What was his name? oh Gosh, I totally missed him telling me his name. maybe I can look it up on the webpage. Ask him a question. Any question. No, not that question. His area, ask him what area he’s in. Am I slouching? I’m doing that weird cross-over thing again with my leg. Why do I do that? Make eye contact, am I making enough eye contact? Maybe I’m staring to intently, look away casually now. Uhoh. I don’t know the name of the author he just mentioned. Should I admit that or just nod and let him go on? He’s leaving now. Is that too soon? Was I boring? Oh, he just has to teach. Shoot. I already forgot what area he teaches in. Just smile. Just smile.

I could go on, but I thought a 30 second clip was enough.

I’m not sure if Jennie Willing would condone my conversation (or dress for that matter) as refined, but I hope this experience, if nothing else, makes me a connoisseur in the art of conversation.