Giving an Account

I felt weary walking home from work today, possibly because it was the end of a long week, but more than likely because I had spent the last couple hours engrossed in what just might possibly be the two worst aspects of the academic field: the job search and the tenure notebook.

Much to my delight, I had been asked to join a discussion panel about writing the teaching philosophy, one of the many documents compiled to send out with job applications. I could never have made it through the job search process without the advice of faculty and fellow graduate students, so I feel very strongly about passing along whatever wisdom I gained from my own experience. So I really was delighted to participate in this discussion, but was quite surprised when a few minutes into it I felt myself inwardly shaking and growing hotter by the minute. I had quite forgotten the anxiety of all that I went through just a short year ago, but like muscle memory all those anxious feelings welled up as I listened to graduate students' questions (which were my questions not so long ago) about how to construct a genuine picture of yourself within a limited word count and a rigid genre.

For some reason I decided it would be a good idea when I returned to my office to spend the rest of the afternoon perusing a tenure notebook someone had been kind enough to loan me as an example. I was astounded at all the different ways to account for your work as a professor. This has some positive ramifications I am sure, but it was with a sinking feeling this afternoon that I realized that every activity, every conversation, every email or note, every thought I have in my head has the potential to find its way into the Tenure Notebook. Which means that every activity, every conversation, every email or note, every thought I have in my head has to be held up for scrutiny to determine its use-value.

As I said, these two things - the job search and the tenure notebook - are to my mind the two worst aspects of our job. And I unfortunately stumbled onto them both in one afternoon, a friday afternoon seven weeks into my first semester as a tenure-track professor when I (along with all the other students and faculty) am feeling very, very tired.

So my goal this weekend (in addition to writing two conference papers that refuse to get written, figuring out my book order for spring classes, and creating the exam for wednesday's classes) is to focus on what I think are the two best things about this job.